Mother's Day Special from a Father

आज Mother's Day चं  निमित्त साधून नवऱ्यानेही लिहायचं ठरवलं. त्याला somehow माझ्याइतकं मराठीत व्यक्त होणं जमत नाही म्हणून इंग्रजीत, पण भावना आम्हा दोघांच्याही मांडल्यायत त्यानं. So here we go...

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Hello everyone! 

First of all, a very happy Mother’s day to all mothers out there. You are the best just for being who you are!

Second of all, let's address why me, a father, is writing a blog on this Mother’s Day. Well, let me explain. Madhura and I have this amazing relationship, where she diligently and through hard work does something (like creating a blog), and then I swoop in and with the purest of intentions of doing something great for her, create a mess. So here I am! 

Today I want to talk about “Happiness.” Yes, that feeling that is easy to come by in childhood but doesn’t work so well with adults.

Oftentimes, when Madhura and I talk about Tanmayee and our life with others, we get mixed reactions. Most want to empathize and appreciate the struggles, some want to give suggestions, while others find it hard to comprehend. More often than not, at the end of that conversation, we are left with a profound feeling of having made the other person uncomfortable. Somehow I always feel like I have transmitted some kind of invisible sadness to other person. For example, when Tanmayee was a year old people would excitedly ask, “Oh, does she walk yet?”, and I would say “No, she has special needs and lacks skills.” This conversation would then quickly become about the series of hospitalizations, our life around medicines, her difficulties etc. Eventually they would be left with an impression of us having an extremely difficult life. And then no change of topic would seem to take that feeling of sadness away from them. 

This really got me thinking. Are our lives that miserable? Are we eternally bogged down under a burden and stress of managing a special needs child? The answer is a resounding "No!"

 

In spite of her difficulties, Tanmayee is an immense source of joy. Several years before her birth when I first thought about being a father, I knew I wanted a girl child. I had these hopes and dreams of being her best friend, raising her to be the best version of herself and sharing the greatest bond that I could. Moments after she was born, this little girl was fascinated by lights in the delivery room. To this day when I close my eyes that moment comes alive in my mind. I see her wrapped in a yellow blanket, wide eyed, looking at lights with intermittent crying for background score. Joy per second was very high for us that day! By the time she became a year old, we had gone through several neurologist appointments only to learn that she was going to have some difficulties. Little did we know that what we knew so far was just a tip of the iceberg. After her first birthday the seizures started and everything changed.

We went into cycles of constant struggles, hospitalizations and other things that you already have read about in Madhura's blog posts. Did that stop us from being happy? Not really. We have been truly blessed with some of the greatest people on this earth, so many shoulders to cry on, a support system without having to ask for it, and people who were there when we were feeling alone. This system of well-wishers gave us strength to believe in the people around us. We now have an army of people for Tanmayee should she need one. Yes, a few people started avoiding us, but that made us appreciate those who stood by us even more. Thanks to Tanmayee in a way, we have successfully broken through this facade of society to realize who really matters and who cares! Shouldn’t this be a reason for celebration?

 

We have learned so much through all this. How to navigate difficult medical system and how to demand the best services for your child than be okay with whatever you get. We are still learning how to empathize effectively, how to deal with dull, gloomy days and so much more than I can list here. We have truly come out stronger. Madhura has grown stronger as person. I have always loved her, but I now admire her strength and courage like never before. Sometimes, kids are a source of frustration between a husband and a wife. In our case, Tanmayee has become our greatest bond. This really makes me happy! Since Tanmayee needs help in her day to day tasks, our lives move at a slower pace. Any time we play with her, our phones are away. She can only absorb new skills if we teach her slowly. In these times, when we all have attentions spans of a fruit fly, I consider this to be truly a blessing. We end up spending hours together, savoring every moment as we go. Madhura watches movies with her on iPad for visual skills. Tanmayee is elated when she mixes cake batter with me. When Madhura and I were working in Mumbai, we had no time for each other. This is better. This feels like a family.  

When Tanmayee smiles, it's special. Unlike a neurotypical kid, she really needs to be extremely joyous to get that smile on her face. So when she smiles after my 30 minutes of stupid theatrics, well, there is no joy like that. When she stands up (with support, of course) for one hour straight, our day feels upbeat. After 5 minutes of encouragement when she moves her arm, the world takes a spin for us. Nothing is ever taken for granted in this household now!

So am I getting to experience what I imagined I would as a father? Mostly not. But who cares?! This life is happy and I would not trade it for anything else. I took too many things for granted before and it was never in my nature to mindfully look for happiness. I assumed happiness would just be there, mostly due to external factors. It is not! Happiness is intrinsic. This journey made me realize that.

At 3 years old, this little girl has a come a long way and I am pretty sure she will brighten up many more paths in her own way. She doesn’t need to be confined in the ways of this world. She doesn’t have to fit in. She can be her own best version like I always imagined my daughter would be.